What Students Really Need to Hear

It’s 4 a.m.  I’ve struggled for the last hour to go to sleep.  But, I can’t.  Yet again, I am tossing and turning, unable to shut down my brain.  Why?  Because I am stressed about my students.  Really stressed.  I’m so stressed that I can only think to write down what I really want to say — the real truth I’ve been needing to say — and vow to myself that I will let my students hear what I really think tomorrow.

This is what students really need to hear:

First, you need to know right now that I care about you. In fact, I care about you more than you may care about yourself.  And I care not just about your grades or your test scores, but about you as a person. And, because I care, I need to be honest with you. Do I have permission to be honest with you — both in what I say and how I say it?

Here’s the thing: I lose sleep because of you.  Every week.

Before I tell you why, you should understand the truth about school. You see, the main event of school is not academic learning. It never has been. It never will be. And, if you find someone who is passionate in claiming that it is about academics, that person is lying to himself or herself and may genuinely believe that lie. Yes, algebra, essay writing, Spanish, the judicial process —  all are important and worth knowing. But they are not the MAIN event.

The main event is learning how to deal with the harshness of life when it gets difficult — how to overcome problems as simple as a forgotten locker combination, to obnoxious peers, to gossip, to people doubting you, to asking for help in the face of self-doubt, to pushing yourself to concentrate when a million other thoughts and temptations are fingertips away.

It is your resilience in conquering the main event — adversity — that truly prepares you for life after school. Because, mark my words, school is not the most challenging time you will have in life. You will face far greater challenges than these. Sure, you will have times more amazing than you can imagine, but you will also confront incomparable tragedy, frustration, and fear in the years to come.

But, you shouldn’t be worried about the fact that you will face great adversities. You should be worried because you’re setting yourself up to fail at overcoming them. Here’s the real reason I lose hours of sleep worrying about you: You are failing the main event of school. You are quitting.  You may not think you are quitting, but you are because quitting wears many masks.

For some, you quit by throwing the day away and not even trying to write a sentence or a fraction because you think it doesn’t matter or you can’t or there’s no point. But it does. What you write is not the main event. The fact that you do take charge of your own fear and doubt in order to write when you are challenged — THAT is the main event.

Some of you quit by skipping class on your free education. Being punctual to fit the mold of the classroom is not the main event of showing up. The main event is delaying your temptation and investing in your own intelligence — understanding that sometimes short-term pain creates long-term gain and that great people make sacrifices for a greater good.

For others, you quit by being rude and disrespectful to adults in the hallway who ask you to come to class. Bowing to authority is not the main event. The main event is learning how to problem solve maturely, not letting your judgement be tainted by the stains of emotion.

I see some of you quit by choosing not to take opportunities to work harder and pass a class, no matter how far down you are. The main event is not getting a number to tell you you are worthy. The main event is pulling your crap together and making hard choices and sacrifices when things seem impossible.  It is finding hope in the hopeless, courage in the chasm, guts in the grave.

What you need to see is that every time you take the easy way out, you are building a habit of quitting. And it will destroy your future and it will annihilate your happiness if you let it.   Our society cares nothing for quitters.  Life will let you die alone, depressed, and poor if you can’t man or woman up enough to deal with hardship.  You are either the muscle or the dirt.  You either take resistance and grow stronger or blow in the wind and erode.

As long as you are in my life, I am not going to let quitting be easy for you.  I am going to challenge you, confront you, push you, and coach you.  You can whine.  You can throw a tantrum.  You can shout and swear and stomp and cry.  And the next day, guess what?  I will be here waiting — smiling and patient — to give you a fresh start.  Because you are worth it.

So, do yourself a favor: Step up.  No more excuses.  No more justifications.  No blaming.  No quitting.  Just pick your head up.  Rip the cords out of your ears.  Grab the frickin’ pencil and let’s do this.

— C. Mielke


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1,806 responses to “What Students Really Need to Hear”

  1. Thank you for this….I just emailed it to my 15 year old son who is a good kid with a great heart…..but sometimes dials it in. We are working on it and learning responsibility and the reason behind it. It’s not always easy but being accountable, but it’s important and a great life skill. This was an amazing read.

  2. I love your post and recently, my daughter, who is a freshman in high school, was having a tough day in school, I told her I wanted her to read something. Reluctantly, she looked at my laptop. She thought you were cute so it made her more interested. She started reading it and half way through, she was crying because your words touched her so much. She then said – I completely agree with him and now I get it. My 7th grade son was sitting nearby and he became interested and then he read it – the light bulb went off for him too. Thank you so much for writing a thoughtful and insightful piece like this. Very moving….

  3. Simply Beautiful!

  4. Reblogged this on SandraBranum's Blog and commented:
    Gee I wish I’d known this sooner!

  5. This is a great post, but unfortunately it was shared to me at one of the worst possible moments, so I’m getting a different message. I have to repeat a year because the faculty member (not really teacher due to the nature of the subject) refused to compromise on a small matter. But I should just accept it, right? After all, real life doesn’t give second chances. Meh.

    1. Actually Bort, one of the things that I have been so impressed with is that real life is filled with second chances….Seriously, it happens all the time. When I was struggling in my masters program one of my professors asked, “do you need some grace?” I said, “yes”. His reply was, “don’t ever be afraid to ask”. So there are opportunities, grace is out there, and as you move on, it will appear. Good luck.

      1. My teachers…most of them in college didn’t give an ounce of grace mattetfact one teacher told me i don’t care if u have 69.5 Im not rounding it up..so depends on teachers…some if u are trying and they see that will help u out…others u could give ur left arm to them and they wouldnt do spit…i also found out once i graduated even after numerous job fairs and over 3k apps and i went and did mock interviews at places that my teachers didn’t give a rats ass about helping me find a job or giving advice despite the fact that after everything i had done they couldn’t help me just a tad…in college now a days sadly alto of the time u r just a paycheck to a professor Not always but majority

  6. Amen. I wish every kid had a teacher like you. And parents, too.

  7. Reblogged this on Of Words and Weirdness and commented:
    ” The main event is not getting a number to tell you you are worthy. The main event is pulling your crap together and making hard choices and sacrifices when things seem impossible. ”

    Great read. Its what I need 🙂

  8. The promise I make to my middle school students (840 – music) “I will believe in you EVERY DAY, until you believe in yourself”. Thanks for sharing your truth – I’m right there with you.

  9. Reblogged this on Writeaway and commented:
    What is the main event of school? A brilliant essay. If only we could help all young people understand this.

  10. This bothers me only because it fails to take into account the role every teacher has in creating the connections and relationships necessary for some
    students to want to perform.

    The students we are concerned about are not inherently motivated and do not have the support, role models or values that others might. Simply telling them to buck up is not going to be very effective at motivating them.

    We can’t continue to expect these kids to “learn their lesson” by failing. It’s amazing that we expect that light to turn on magically year after year, but do so little to address the actual needs of the students socially or emotionally.

    1. The writer implied that he was going to be there for the student. The last line was let’s do this. The teacher is part of the “us” here.

  11. We are dealing with kids here…not adults. I’m not comfortable allowing a 13 year old to make a life changing decision like failing a class without doing everything possible to insure he/she does the work. Don’t let their apathy be an excuse for us allowing them to fail.

    1. That is the issue.

      “make a life changing decision like failing a class”

      The fact that failing a class at 13 is a life changing decision. That is a bigger issue than anything else here

  12. I think you make a good point that learning how to control yourself when life gets tough is a very crucial part of school. A golf legend named Bobby Jones once said that:
    “Competitive golf is played mainly on a five-and-a-half-inch course…the space between your ears.” The same could be said of school.

  13. Tom also has a point. Kids are going to be kids. You may want to reach them, but if they are more interested in talking about the latest show of South Park, you have to draw a line in the sand and say no. Trying to connect to kids who want to talk with their friends about South Park in class should not be the focus of a teacher. A kid must also bring some care to the table or be left out to think about it. I know many of my friends got mad when this boy used to tell dirty jokes in school. For some reason, he kept getting chances even though he never did work and was always bothering us.

  14. Reblogged this on Heart of the Mind and commented:
    every letter in every word.

  15. Reblogged this on laurenbourne and commented:
    Teaching is a life changing event that only some can really understand. I understand every word of this. The sleepless nights worried sick over your students. Telling them goodbye and “make good decisions” on Friday because you truly worry about seeing them again on Monday. I have students I still cry over. My class was, by far, NOT the “MAIN event” but I hope I helped prepare a few of the lives that came through my door or the random student I never had but I smiled and said hello every day because it seemed like no one else did. Teaching is the hardest thing I have ever done. I loved it, it almost killed me. I will always hold teachers in the highest regard. If you ever question the hard work that good teachers do… well…

  16. Reblogged this on frijasroxanne and commented:
    This is totally inspiring. As for a student like me, I see these words not just as texts typed in a blog but engraved patterns of a persistent reminder that we should never give up. We should stay still and beat the odds.

  17. Reblogged this on Floor Rinse and commented:
    For someone close to my heart and whom I know is struggling in college right now: Don’t give up. It’s not too late.

  18. Loved this article! I know it’s aimed at High Schoolers but we shared this on our college FB page because it’s still so applicable!

    1. this is stupid

  19. We don’t care about you’re society, we don’t care about you’re country, we don’t care about you’re main event. Why should we? When we were bored you gave us TV. When we wanted friends you gave us a phone. You built an economy on us, you needed us to consume, to buy rather than solve. So that is what we do. We go to clubs. We check our facebook. We smoke weed. Not because we’re quitting, we’re just waiting for our problem to be solved like it always has. So go ahead and chastise the generation you created, tell us all about how much we disappoint you, how we’re ruining your country, your world. Because we are your weakness, and in time you will break, your need for control wont let you leave us on our own. We will suck you dry for all your worth and still never get our shit together. Your sin was greed, but ours is sloth.

    1. I am not sure why you insist on being as cynical as you are. Why do you insist on throwing a cloud of mystery over yourself? Why would you want people to think of you as a leach?

      How do you benefit if society thinks that you are a leach?

      The only thing I can guess is that you don’t want anyone to pay attention to you. Maybe you are very self-sufficient and you don’t want any competition in your life. You have your secret fishing holes, your favorite hunting grounds and you would rather that no one follows you like an adoring lamb to your secret fishing holes. Because then you would be expected to share the wealth?

      Am I on the right track here? I have a hunch that I am.

      I can tell you right now, the Tea Party will take you at your word and they won’t have any problem leaving you behind with an attitude like yours.

      But if you are truly self-sufficient, then by all means…keep doing what you are doing. Maybe it works for you, but I am guessing it can be pretty lonely.

    2. No Danial, our sin was caring too much, trying to make it easier for you than it was for us, overprotection. I do agree, though that you sin was and still is sloth. And a lack of accountability and constantly blaming others for your “issues”.

      1. I agree. I was always raised that when you stop blaming others in your life and take accountablity for your actions…or in this case….no action ..it is the first sign you are growing up. I teach my children/students that God gave us all the gift of uniqueness. If we do not do our very best at everything…what is the point of doing it at all? Who are you serving? Not yourself because you are never reaching your full potential and never knowing what that potential even is; not others…because no one wants to receive something that has little or no real attempt within, and you certainly aren’t serving God, Who blessed you with the mind and gift of achieving anything in life and a Purpose greater than you could ever imagine once that is achieved. There is no greater feeling. Trying to pass that along to students is a life-long desire for me….and I can think of no greater reward here on earth! Slothfulness is a sad excuse when that’s all you can use to justify your life. It sounds like Daniel perhaps needs to learn to love himself and see how God sees him in all his worth.

  20. Homestead Theatre Avatar
    Homestead Theatre

    Reblogged this on Act Out and commented:
    Students: Read this — all of it ….

  21. Tears came to eyes when I read this. It has to be one of the most inspiring letter I have ever read. Thank you so much for sharing this!

  22. Reblogged this on live be love and commented:
    This is something all kids should read, an excellent blog regarding what school is/should be about. We have been extremely lucky to have teachers who have embraced our childrens needs, and saw beyond grades alone. For that I am eternally grateful.

  23. Reblogged this on Dee Photography and commented:
    Wow.
    Thought provoking and intriguing.
    A must read.
    I love it!

  24. Daniel Camp, are those lyrics? Or a poem? Did you just write that? That’s pretty good. In a sad sort of way…but its true. I remember the soccer trophies that all the kids got. But I also remember the kids who never got a trophy ever again. They treasured that trophy. Society is screwed up and they have screwed you like they screwed us and will screw your children. Its an endless screw but Mielke’s point is don’t quit. The victory is in the doing. And despite the content of your comment, its obvious you’ve done some thinking and thinking is learning so you haven’t really quit.

  25. recoveringforchocolate Avatar
    recoveringforchocolate

    Reblogged this on Mind Over Matter.

  26. I wonder how many of the students you call “lazy” or you think they “aren’t trying” are actually dyslexic? 20% of your students are dyslexic. Do you know who they are? Do you care enough to find them?

  27. Reblogged this on My life at BYUI coming from the east coast and commented:
    I read this and I thought it was amazing and I felt that I should share this. I hear all the time the main thing most teachers do is to prepare you for the world to come. Right now us college students have it easy because it gets far more difficult in the future.

  28. Reblogged this on English with Mrs. Lamp and commented:
    Don’t quit on yourself!

  29. Reblogged this on behiskindofbeautiful and commented:
    This is everything and more that I want to say to my students right now. Nailed it!

  30. I cant believe how rude some of these comments are. Im a sophomore in college and i am a music major. I have an extremely busy schedule and am currently dying in an english class. If you have read this and thought that this teacher is absurd, well, you might be right. There’s also the possibility that he might be right instead, or that you both are right. Dont put down another persons opinion unless you absolutely have no passion, and if you have no passion, i am sorry for you. I have always had a passion, but only for music amd math. I have had to take more english classes than i can count and absolutely hate them. I refused to get better at them, but this year, i forced myself to practice my writing skills so that i could keep my scholarship and, through passing this english class i will be able to practice these passions of mine forever. Everyone hates something, but not everyone has a love. If you havent found one, keep looking, and if you hate something, try to learn to love it. You might not end up loving something for the same reasons someone else will, and hopefully you wont, because if it is, but you didnt find it was your reason, you will never be able to appreciate something well.

    1. Well said! See, you can write passionately afterall! And you have proven quite well that your attempt at achievement and “loving” something you never cared for has served you well in the long run! I teach music and art but have also taught English. But math….that’s another story, however, one stumbling block I had to overcome, as well! Congratulations on achieving your passion in life! Isn’t it great? Share it every chance you get! Blessings to you!

    2. Hi BatMoBeall, I wasn’t excessively fond of English either when I was in high school. Nevertheless…you have the right attitude. A student has almost no choice but to get better with English…so he or she may as well find some way to make the learning sweeter.

      Mastering English is hard work. Mastery of English is a gift like no other.

      Mastery of English gives a person the ability to influence the world and shape its direction.

      As I attempt to learn Russian, I now realize just how much I took my own language for granted.

      I agree…do everything that you can to love what you hate…for as Martin Luther King said,

      “Only love can drive out hate.”

  31. Wonderful article, but I feel like it fails to take into account the feelings and circumstances of students. Often they are forced to get by on half the sleep they need to be able to properly function, which adversely affects their performance in school. Not to mention all the students with depression, anxiety, learning disorders, low income families, and those that are abused. To add to that, even though you say that school isn’t truly about the academics, I don’t feel like it adequately prepared me for life outside the classroom. I have no idea how to do taxes, how to write a resume or cover letter, how to tip, or anything to do with banking, but I did learn the pythagorean theorem! Add to that the fact that there’s a good chance that I won’t find a good job after college, and that studies say I’m going to drop a whole economic class bellow my parents, you can see why it was hard for me to memorize all the parts of a cell (so useful to my current fine art major in college).

    1. Hi Liz…If you wind up in education some day, your fine arts major will serve you well.

      If you drift into advertising, you may need to know something about the product that you are trying to represent with your art.

      If you go to law school, art can be the bridge between the (Legal Larry’s) and the (Layperson Lacy’s,) or the (Techie Tim’s) and the (Typical Tom’s).

      Art is often a bridge between the specialist and the common man.

      So don’t dismiss your “irrelevant” subjects just yet…they may still be your Saving Grace.

  32. I am: 69 years old; a college graduate; a former Army officer; a Vietnam vet; a business owner; a husband, father; and grandfather. I believe the basic premise expressed in the article is absolutely correct. For the majority, most of the specifics learned in school will not translate into useful information for post-school life. However, as stated, a student who learns and exercises self-discipline will be immeasurably better positioned to deal with the adversities of life.

  33. Reblogged this on The Life and Times of Pam Lampson aka PAP (pretty amazing person) and commented:
    Reblogged and shared because it’s a super and supra- important message.

  34. Well said. I’ve had many nights like this.

  35. It would seem a few people here haven’t read the entire post. The author is critical at first but he turns it around when he says this:

    “As long as you are in my life, I am not going to let quitting be easy for you. I am going to challenge you, confront you, push you, and coach you. You can whine. You can throw a tantrum. You can shout and swear and stomp and cry. And the next day, guess what? I will be here waiting — smiling and patient — to give you a fresh start. Because you are worth it.”

    Every teacher should be smiling and patient. I can think of some from my life who were not and they often caused more problems than they solved.

  36. Reblogged this on Somebody Who Dreams and commented:
    A friend posted this on my Facebook wall and it really made me stop and think. I can relate and resonate with the author as both an educator and as a student. I need to remember to attend the learning I am invited to and know that I may learn something else than the ultimate objective of the lesson.

  37. Reblogged this on Sweet Wednesday and commented:
    Such an important piece. So very true. As a former teacher, and as a parent, this matters so much!

  38. Thank you for this provocative and timely blog. I teach English at a community college and shared this post with my classes, expecting to spend just a few minutes on it. Instead, we spent half the period debating (hallelujah!) and responding.

    First, thank you for not mincing words and not soft-pedaling your message. I did have some students who became defensive at first, but that engendered a thoughtful debate about tone and purpose in argument (wonderful chance to review the art of rhetoric and the rhetorical situation). Other students argued very persuasively that you succeeded in balancing your unfiltered observations with your compassion. And many of those at-first defensive students came around to say that because the piece was so provocative they paid attention, and therefore really thought about it. In other words, provocation was the point.

    While your piece clearly targets high school students, your definition of quitting and your “main event” concept can apply to anyone doing anything worthwhile. I had just returned student essays, so I applied this to that experience (the grade (while understandably important) isn’t the main event, but understanding and applying the extensive feedback is). The response was tremendous. One of my older students even shared with the class how much he wished he’d read this article before he quit college in his 20s. Numerous students approached me after class or emailed me thanking me for the article and discussion, including those at-first defensive ones.

    So I’d like to thank you. (And make a reading recommendation: “The Wilds of Education” by Frank Bruni in the NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/28/opinion/sunday/frank-bruni-the-wilds-of-education.html?src=xps)

    Sincerely,
    Trine Miller

  39. Alejandra Hernandez Avatar
    Alejandra Hernandez

    Thank you so much for writing this. I am a second year student studying music education and it really gets tough. I come back to this when I feel like I just can’t do life anymore. It’s comforting and reminds me that I have to keep going. I believe that is needs to be read by every college student. I have shared this with my roommates because I know that they’ll appreciate it. Thanks again!

  40. Reblogged this on cultivatedminds and commented:
    I think this captures what most Student Affairs professionals feel. Challenge and support is the key to all we do.

  41. I will be finishing student teaching next week. You stated things that a counselor and I were trying to express to a young man just the other day. You said it much more eloquently than I ever could. I wish I had heard this advice when my self esteem was low and I was in a cycle of quitting things. I’m so glad I went back to school and finally followed my dream of becoming a teacher (at 39 years old) & I’m loving all the experiences of teaching now – all the ups and downs – because I do want to help students find their own passions and learn that it is worth the effort. I will be sharing this with my classes next week on my last day with them!

  42. I would like to say thank you! I am going to school to be a math teacher and often I struggle as I have a family with 7 children. I strive to show my children that school is hard but so very worth it! I have coached for many years as well as drove school bus. I had a route that was hard but I chose to show them that I cared for them and they respected that and even pushed themselves to be good, not only on my bus, in the classroom just so they could show me. For those of you that say it doesn’t matter I beg to differ. Children long for respect and want to give it! We can be that person that changes someone’s life as long as our smile is genuine and we show by example that life is hard but it is so worth living! I can’t wait to be a part of a classroom that students will have diversity but they will all know that I deeply care about each and every one of them. I often hear from teachers that “we can’t save them all” and although I agree with it I will make sure to give them all the support they want and that I will always be there for them no matter what!

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