An awkward moment happens during one of my keynotes. I often pause my talks and prompt audiences to process information, connect ideas, and explore how a concept can help them personally. But one prompt makes them uncomfortable.
It’s when I introduce the idea of the 24-hour No-Complaining Challenge. You probably just had a similar moment of discomfort reading that. With my other prompts, most folks in an audience dive into the conversation. With the No-Complaining Challenge, before I even explain the what, why, how of it, audiences start murmuring. I see heads shake. I hear people blurt out, “No way in h$#@!”
And I get it: The idea of not venting — not processing the many emotions we experience as educators and parents — is unfathomable. If I don’t talk about this, my brain will rupture!
We LOVE venting. Go on social media and you’ll see mostly venting. Go in the staff lounge and you’ll hear mostly venting. And there’s a science to it. When we take emotions and put them into words, we de-activate the brain’s threat detector, the amygdala, and activate logical systems in the frontal lobe. The adage, “Name it to tame it” is backed by science. The more we can label our emotions — and the more nuanced and granular our emotional vocabulary — the more we can disarm our emotions.
There’s only one problem: Venting doesn’t always work.
Psychologists have a name for venting: Co-rumination. “Ruminate” coming from the Latin “ruminere” meaning to chew over. When we co-ruminate, we are chewing over ideas and emotions with someone else. What we need when we co-ruminate are two things:
- Connection: A sense of affirmation that we aren’t alone
- Perspective: A shift in our thinking
Venting is great for the former, lacking for the latter. A typical staff lounge interaction is essentially this:
- Teacher A: “Phew…that kid Billy is the worst!”
- Teacher B: “I know, right!? The worst!”Teacher A: “Yup…the worst…”
- Teacher B: “…..kids these days”
- Teacher A: “Welp, see you tomorrow!”
Sure, we felt affirmed in our anguish with Billy — our colleague gets it. But no one talked about what to do with Billy. What ways we can stop feeling like he’s the worst. What we can try to improve our interactions. How we can at least shift our thinking to reduce our rumination. We pulled out the junk of our mental closets, only to shove it back in without cleaning or organizing the junk in a new way. It’s for this reason — the lack of developing new perspective — that venting often falls short.
Venting is the illusion of progress. It’s saccharine problem solving — emotional stimulation without logical action.
So how do we revamp our venting? We do that by being aware of our Process/Progress ratio
Process/Progress Ratio Explained
Our venting practices should have two phases.
Phase 1: Processing our thoughts and feelings
Phase 2: Using this information to decide how to progress and move forward
Better Process Mode
In Process mode, we just get the jumble of feelings out. We talk about the what, why, how — What I’m feeling, Why I’m feeling this way and How it’s affecting me.
We can improve our current “Process Practices” by being more specific about the emotion we’re feeling. For example, I explain in workshops that “stress” is not an emotion. It’s a response to a variety of emotions we feel. Anger creates a stress response. Sadness creates a stress response. Being excited about something actually creates a stress response. But how we manage anger should be different than how we manage sadness which is different still than what we do with excitement. So, we have to get granular:
Am I feeling overwhelmed because I’ve put pressure on myself to do all the tasks even though that’s physically impossible?
Am I feeling angry because things I care about are being affected by decisions beyond my control?
Am I actually feeling excited to try this new strategy, but my nerves are making me feel like I’m scared?
We should explore to get as specific as we can about the emotions we feel. Don’t vent solely about the plot details. Explore emotions — as specifically as possible — and what the true root cause is.
Better Progress Mode
The main reason venting often fails is that we usually skip Progress Mode. We rarely close out by discussing what we’re going to do or think differently. And, identifying new thoughts or actions is the whole point of venting: To alleviate distress through adopting new thoughts or decisions.
Engage Progress Mode by considering how you’d finish prompts like
- Now that I’ve vented I’m going to…
- My next step is…
- To not dwell on this I need to…
There’s no perfect ratio for Process/Progress — so much depends on how well we’ve identified the specific emotions we’re feeling and what’s causing them. What’s important though is to have SOME engagement with both process and progress. So, if you’ve got 10 minutes to journal, set a timer. Process for 7 minutes, then progress for 3. Then reflect on which part you needed more time on.
Process/Progress ratios can be incredibly helpful as we work through our own distress. But, this concept can also shape how we support others and create boundaries. Here are 3 ways this changed the gripe game for me:
1. Set Boundaries with Others
In my career as an educator, I’ve learned that, if you show you care about students’ feelings, they will emerge from the woodworks to vent. Which is far from being a bad thing. But, if we aren’t careful, we can get consumed with other peoples’ distress.
I used to think that, to help adolescents, I had to listen to them vent. And then I realized I was losing all my planning period, my time before school, my time after school, listening to teenagers vent. So, I started adopting a boundary setter based on Process/Progress. It sounded like this:
“Before I help you, I need to finish these emails. Then, I can give you 10 minutes of my full attention. Here’s what that will look like: For 5-6 minutes, I’m just going to listen and ask questions. For the last 4-5 minutes, we’re going to talk about your next steps and how you can move forward. Does that work?”
This phrasing clarifies expectations, protects our time and needs, and best of all modeled to adolescents that we can’t just sit around kicking up distress dust.
I think there are ways to weave this into adult situations too. For example, got 30 minutes for a department meeting? Schedule the last 10 minutes to be for talking about next steps.
2. Set Roles
For some students (and colleagues) I realized that I was becoming their dumping ground for distress — that my efforts to listen weren’t helping at all. So, I’ve also defined roles. With students it sounds like:
“I don’t think I’m the best person to help you process through this — there are others who are way more qualified and capable at helping you understand what’s going on. Let me direct you to some people and resources that can better help you process. Then, once you’ve worked through what you’re feeling, I can be your Progress Person. I can help you set goals and make a plan for moving forward.”
I’ve also had to have hard conversations with colleagues — even close friends. They’ve sounded like this:
“I value that you trust me to vent about things; but, when we mostly talk about the things that are wrong in education or why something won’t work, it’s making it hard for me to still love this job. So, I need to make some changes for my mental health. I’m happy to still connect about ideas of how to move forward with things that bother us, but I can’t just stay in vent mode.”
No doubt, these are always tough conversations to have. But, if we aren’t helping others move forward, and we’re getting dragged down as a result, then the difficult conversation is worth it for both our sakes.
3. Clarify a Partner’s Needs
Lastly, I’ll say that the Process/Progress Frame can save a marriage (half-kidding). I learned that, with students and colleagues, I’m really good at staying in Process Mode. However, with my wife, I jump too often to Progress Mode. I feel myself wanting to fix the problems so my wife isn’t in distress. Unfortunately, that means I often jump in too quick to explore solutions — before fully hearing her or letting her sift through her thoughts. I’d find myself saying things like, “Well have you tried…” “What if you…” “Could you…”
Process/Progress has helped me fix this. In our marriage now, we are more clear with each other with what we need. We either ask, “How do you want me to listen?” Or, we specify, “I just need to vent for a while before you say anything.” We still get both Process and Progress, but we clarify for each other how our time is doled out between the two modes.
I’m not anti-venting. I’m pro-process-to-make-progress. Every educator, every parent, every human being needs people who they can be authentic with. Who will listen to them as the sift through the dust of distress. But we shouldn’t sit still and let the dust settle back on us. We should move forward.
Be mindful of your Process/Progress habits and how to strike a better balance, whether as a venter, a listener, or a leader.
AFFECTIVE LIVING 
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